Pun-y Thought for the Day

A thought spawned out of the incessant dissatisfaction that people (especially MBAs) have with their jobs causing them to switch:

Switching jobs is like switching girlfriends: you know both suck but you hope, for your sake, that the new one is perhaps better at it than the former!



Note to the reader having other thoughts: Yours truly is still serving his first and only job thus far.

The 2 X 2 of Life ©

DISCLAIMER: This is the original intellectual capital of the blogger spawned out of sundry experiences in the corporate world. While this profound management concept will find direct relevance in the corporate sector, the author feels it is reasonably applicable in any walk of life. The author acknowledges the premier consulting firm, The Boston Consulting Group, from whose share-growth matrix (also called the BCG matrix), this involved concept is inspired. The sentiments expressed in this post, as in all other posts, are personal and quite close to the author’s heart and people who do not necessarily agree and are infuriated by this post should close this browser window, take a deep breath and get themselves a life!


The 2 X 2 of Life © occurred to me while I was staffed on the project I just finished at work. It is believed that the toughest of times bring out the true character of man. Well, I can vouch for the fact that the last few months have been tough times indeed but what they seem to have brought forth are some intriguing ideas and thoughts, most of which I cannot share, for fear of retribution that may prove too costly to afford. The 2 X 2 of Life © is a distillation of some of those un-shareable thoughts. Have a look at it. It is quite self-explanatory and where I felt there was explanation required I have provided one.




About The 2 X 2 of Life ©

The Axes:

• Temperament in life is your general disposition in your work life: whether you take life frivolously(happy) or take it too seriously and fret and fume over consequences(crappy)
• Ambition in life is your drive/verve/ enthusiasm towards work: whether you strive to outdo the competition and yourself in every endeavor of yours (raise the bar!) or you just look at work as a necessary evil and are more enthused about good food/music/lifestyle than the latest excel model or presentation that you made!(chhod na yaar!)
  
  
  The Quadrants:
  

BITCH

You have fought hard to be where you are today. A little bitchy voice within you constantly reminds you that you don’t deserve this and it may all be snatched away from you if you didn’t strain every single sinew every single second that you work. You think you’re doing good work but your insecurity does not let you feel happy about it. It not only keeps you on your toes all the time but also makes you do hideous things like sucking up to everybody at the workplace who could get you up the hierarchy. You have become the top management’s bitch in the organization and suffice it to say, you lead a SAD life!

LOSER

You’re weird! People like you are rare at the workplace but they most certainly exist. You are the cynic who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything at work but is also full of energy in trying to prove to everyone around you what a miserable life they are leading by working in this organization. You crib for the sake of cribbing. It’s not that you are unhappy with the work; it is fundamentally impossible for you to be happy with anything in life. You should loosen up and take life less seriously!


FIGHTER

You’re fundamentally a nice guy who knows what he wants from life. You give work its due importance and are also convinced, at some level, of the worthlessness of it all. Yet you have a competitive streak (which may be hereditary or acquired) within you that makes you go the extra mile. You are a stud at work and if not for your competitiveness, you would be a star. For you, there is hope!


STAR

You’re the man! You’re the Buddha of the workplace, the embodiment of equanimity that neither fears retribution from the bosses nor desires accolades for his work. You work because you have to. You know that you are above this ‘moh-maaya’ (mirage) of work and are already planning some cool career move like Ramesh Rao (of WagonR fame) where you will spend the rest of your life in the company of your deeper passion in life and what’s more important, hot looking women. The only problem is, STARS like you exist only in myths and the fantasies of over-worked corporates! Yet even your mythical existence give millions (including the author) hope and we all strive to be you one day!


Purpose of The 2 X 2 of Life ©

Nothing really. It’s just a tool to benchmark oneself as to which god forsaken quadrant does one fall in (it’s ok if you don’t fall anywhere or are a mixture of several quadrants – even I don’t know where exactly I fall). The idea is to move towards the STAR from wherever you are (something which is already indicated on the slide). If you’re a BITCH, however, you are really up against it!

A Flight Mishap

Alarm clocks have the habit of going off at all the wrong times: mine went off at 5 am this morning. Groggily, I opened my eyes to find my mom standing on my head. Damnit! no more snoozing today. Just as well. I had a 6:50 am flight to Bangalore to catch and today, I did not want to get late. I gave myself credit for being sensible enough to sleep early yesterday night and got off the bed wide awake now.

5:35 a.m. I checked the watch as I came out from a hot bath, all fresh and ready. The car was waiting downstairs and in 10 minutes (I calculated) I should be off for the airport. But then, what fun is life if all goes according to plan. I spent a little more time over the chai and toast, a little fussing over the tie-knot which wasn’t the double Windsor I wanted it to be and by the time I walked into the waiting car, it was 6:00 a.m.

6:05 a.m. As the car sped across Siddhi Vinayak temple, I smiled & reminiscined my last two flights out of the Mumbai airport. Here is an abridged summary:

Trip 1: 6:25 a.m. flight to Hyderabad. I had woken up at 5am, got out of home at 5:50 am with clear instructions to the psyched-out driver “Drive as fast as you can!” He had done the best he could in the circumstances. We landed at the airport at 6:10 am by which time, the lady at the Jet front desk told me, the flight had already been closed. But I had tele-checked in, I protested. BIG DEAL, her eyes seemed to tell me. But I didn’t care to find out and asked her for options. As it turned out, I took the next flight to Hyderabad at 8a.m. and ended up waking up at 5 in the morning for an 8 o’clock flight!

Trip 2: 9:45 p.m. flight to Ahmedabad. Swap picked me up from Haji Ali at 8:15 p.m. and we took a slight de-tour to drop some important stuff at Anu’s office. We had 90 minutes and like all conscientious frequent fliers, we had tele-checked in. Thanks to the Friday evening traffic, we were still at Mahim Causeway(about 6km away from the airport) at 9 p.m. Panic started setting in when we were still 5 minutes away from the airport and it was 9:15! We ran into the airport at 9:20 p.m. only to be told that the flight was about to be closed. Luck was on our side this time though. The front desk women deliberated and checked us in. As we headed to the security check, Swap sounded disappointed: “Damn it! We were late, the flight was full but they did not upgrade us!” “DUDE!!!” was all I could say, thankful that I had not missed 2 flights in a row from Mumbai airport, while he rattled off proud narratives of how he had held up flights on several occasions. Phew!

6:12 a.m. As I saw the glo-sign of Hotel BAWA International in the distance, I smiled to myself. 35 minutes early, I calculated. Enough buffer to ensure I didn’t have to run. Minutes later, I strutted into the Departure Lounge only to find a long queue standing outside each and every Jet counter. No worries, I told myself and stood in front of one that said “Hand-baggage only”. As I looked around to see if my boss was also checking-in somewhere, I spotted RamG in the queue ahead of me. Poor chap! he does this every Monday for a living, I said to myself. And to imagine, he could have avoided this junk and would have been selling junk bonds and making millions instead on Wall Street. Funny how we make choices in life! Anyways, I called him on his cell to grab his attention since he wasn’t listening to me while I shouted from behind the queue. What time’s your flight, he asked. 6:50, I told him and checked my watch. 6:23 a.m. Enough time to still get the boarding pass. I had tele-checked in after all!

As RamG slipped out with a ‘See you later’ and a boarding pass, I waited my turn. 2 more people in front of me. 2 mins max. Relax! You should be able to make it. It was about this time that I heard one of the ladies in a neighboring queue being told by one of the Jet Airways ground staff that the flight to Bangalore was closed!

Flight to Bangalore? Closed? WHAT! Impossible? I checked my watch as my heart sank. 6:29 a.m. But there were still 20 odd minutes left. And why the hell did they not announce they were closing checking-in? I held my ground, hoping that I had heard wrong. I was angry and desperate at the same time. A really sorry state to be in, if you ask me. My boss’ words came flooding back. Please be on time for this flight, she had quipped in jest, fully aware of what had happened last time (refer Trip 1) There is no other flight till 9:30 to Bangalore and we don’t want to get late for this meeting, she had warned in her characteristic I-may-say-things-nicely-but-I-mean-every-word-I-say manner. My mind was preparing a desperate plea to be put on the flight but there was anger lurking in the background as I wanted an explanation why they were closing the flight early without warning. It was about this time that my turn came to present the ticket.

“This flight is already closed, sir!” came the concerned yet crisp reply from the other end and this time, I was prepared for it. A mixture of anger and desperation came out in the form of a tirade which roughly resembled an incongruous combination of “I have been waiting in the queue for 10 minutes”, “I had already tele-checked in”, “How can you close the flight without announcing it?”, “It is absolutely important for me to get to Bangalore”. These sentences were uttered with such speed, volume and an angered conviction that it seemed to unsettle the poor lady at the counter and she went and spoke to another of her ilk. The two of them fervently looked at a computer screen while I was trying to think of a good excuse speech for my boss. People around me didn’t seem impressed with my outburst and were giving me derogatory glances. Hey, I wanted to shout out to them, it’s not my fault if these guys don’t follow procedure!

And then I saw it! It was the most beautiful sight I had seen all morning… a boarding pass coming out of the printing slot with my name on it! It was a different color but who cares as long as it gave me a ‘ticket to ride’.

6:33 a.m. Lady in blue came upto me with the boarding pass and a “We’ve upgraded you, so you should be happy about it” look on her face. I checked the boarding pass. They had upgraded me but I wasn’t going to show my gratitude for this one. I was right in landing 30 minutes before the flight and if they have to fly me business class for their clumsiness, so be it.

6:35 a.m. As I strutted smugly out towards the security check-in, my eyes fell on the big black board announcing flight departures. My eyes settled on the one flight of significance:

9W 411 BANGALORE 06:40 Now Boarding

I read it and then re-read it. I checked my boarding pass for the flight time. Sure as hell it said 06:40! But how can that be? This flight was supposed to be at 06:50. I checked my ticket: it said 06:50 too! I checked my watch … 4 minutes to flight departure… and for the first time that morning, I felt really embarrassed. My mind raced through all calculations that I had made regarding the flight time in the past half an hour and tried to subtract 10 minutes from all of them. I quickly willed my mind to think in another direction. It is not a happy feeling when you think about it and realize what a jerk you;ve been ! My angered outburst seemed to have won the day for me, but how misplaced it was only I knew. Anyways, there was no time for harbouring embarrassed thoughts as very soon I was being escorted through the security check-in by 3 of Jet’s ground staff, frantically shouting into their walkie-talkies that 4Charlie was on his way!
7:20 a.m. As I tucked into my Gobi Paranthas and Rasewaale Aloo on the flight, I tried to recall the name of the guy who passed some comment about, “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing”. What a joker!

Thought for the day

Love is like maa ke haath ka khanaa....there is just one taste that you are hooked onto and therefore it cannot be replaced by anyone else. It is, therefore, a hard-to-substitute product.

Sex is like restaurant food. The fact that you like to eat at Jewel of India does not mean that you will not try Cafe Noorani when you are hungry.

Being faithful, therefore, is being health conscious and not eating out.


;-)

Overheard at work!

Came across this beautiful couplet while at work:

"Jinme ho jaata hai andaaz-e-khuda paidaa,
Humne sunaa hai woh but(statue) tod diye jaate hain"

Thanks Rishu and Vikram for sharing this.

A matter of perspective

The other day I was sitting at a meeting when my cell-phone rang. Now, I don’t personally like meetings. They are things which people higher up in the corporate food chain like to do by the hour-fuls. However, no real work gets done at meetings. At best, work may get planned but nothing concrete ever came out of any meeting since the times of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.

However, that is not the point. The point was my cell-phone started vibrating during the middle of the meeting which is not a happy state to be in. No matter how frivolous the discussion going in a meeting, people hate it when somebody’s phone rings. It’s almost like you have spoiled their private party in a vicious way. So, as soon as my phone rang, the whole room went quiet and as I clambered out of my chair, I could hear someone muttering under their breath.

I was trying to salvage the situation by disconnecting if only I could trace the number. Unfortunately, this call had originated from a number I knew nothing about and I had to answer it. Hurriedly exiting the room, I answered the call, “ Hello!”

“Hi sir…” a pretty female voice answered the phone. No strange pretty voices ever call me (apart from my girlfriend whose voice is, of course, not strange) and therefore, I was even more intrigued. This can’t go on for long though, I told myself, the meeting beckons.

“Sir, I am xxxx, (no, I don’t want to safeguard the confidentiality of the person, I just didn’t catch the name) and I am calling from Domino’s Pizza.”

I was right! No pretty voice ever calls me just like that.

My mind was trying to figure out possible reasons for her calling up. Did I forget to pay the delivery guy? Unlikely. Did I over-pay and they wanted to return the extra amount? Highly unlikely.

“Sir, did you order Domino’s pizza last Sunday from us?” she asked.

“Yes, I did”, I replied, still clueless.

“Sir, did you order Garlic toasties from us?” she continued.

“What is this? Some kind of 20Q? And that too, when I am in the middle of a fucking meeting”, I wanted to say. Instead, I replied, “Yes !”

“Sir, did you like the Garlic toasties” she asked sheepishly.

“What!” I blurted out.

“Sir, we wanted your feedback on the Garlic toasties and how you liked them.”
I had had enough. So I replied (rather curtly) “Listen I am in the middle of a meeting here; so why don’t you call me sometime else and I will tell you!”

I said the last few words in a tone which said don’t-ever-try-calling-me-again.

“Ok, have a nice day sir” she said, sounding visibly (ok, audibly) distraught.

I disconnected and returned to my meeting.

On the ride back home in the evening, I was re-playing the afternoon’s incident through my mind. Even though it was a ridiculous call to get, I couldn’t help feeling for the girl on the other end. She was doing her job; trying to get one more data point for her feedback survey. It was a crappy job, no doubt. But her life would have been simpler had I told her that the garlic toasties were actually quite good.

My current job requires a lot of data collection and nothing gives me more pleasure these days than data that is easy available in the form I wanted it. Yet, I chose to refuse her the information she sought, dismissing it as outright ridiculous.

They say, “The wearer of the shoe knows best where the shoe bites” (or something similar to this; however that is not very important as long as you get the point).

Life is all about perspectives and I certainly didn’t have the right one that afternoon.

Koh Samui: The Paradise Island 

Going Places(I)

The hiatus is over. It’s been a while since I wrote something concrete...unfortunately I am not sure if this is concrete either. But I definitely try to make it interesting to read, if not for other readers, then at least for myself.

A month has passed since I last wrote. This post may read like a travelogue for the simple reason that travel has been the recurring theme of my life for the past one month. Now I may not be a Paul Theroux when it comes to writing travelogues but what I lack in style, I will try and make up with innovation and enthusiasm:

Thailand

Last May, I spent a week in Bangkok and the weekend in a small island called Koh Samui near the gulf of Thailand. Bangkok is like Mumbai (where I currently work and stay) but with buildings that are ten times taller and sleaze that is zillion times more prevalent. When people told me that Bangkok was the sleaze capital of Asia, it was a factoid...a mere piece of information that was meant to be heard and forgotten. Experiencing sleaze up, close and personal can be a scary experience. When I was a teenager, I used to wonder what prostitutes were like in flesh & blood. My impressions of them, like millions of other teenagers, were molded by books and movies. Bangkok changed all of that. You walk 100 meters (I might be misrepresenting the actual situation here but these are my live experiences) on any given street in Bangkok and chances are you will be approached by some odd pimp or prostitute.

"You want lady?", this girl in her early twenties accosts me on my way to the hotel one evening.

"No, no", I mumble and hurry on only to be accosted by 3 more "ladies" and finally by a dodgy looking guy who ask me if I want to watch the "ping-pong show". While initially you feel uncomfortable seeing all this sleaze hurled at you so blatantly, slowly you get used to saying "No!"

What freaked me out, however, was an incident that occurred on the first night that I was in Bangkok. We were a group of seven guys & girls who decided to go to Pat Pong. Pat Pong, for the uninitiated, is one of the sleaziest night markets of Bangkok and perhaps Asia (though I can't vouch for the second assertion) From the moment, you enter the narrow lanes of Pat Pong teeming with touristy trinkets, pirated CDs, clothes et al, you can't but help feeling there is something dodgy going on....look to your sides and you know what! The place is a hotbed of prostitution and kinkier stuff that I did not have the balls to explore. Meandering aimlessly through all the stuff being sold, I had moved ahead of my group of friends and decided to wait by a shop for them.

A hefty man walks up to me and asks matter-of-factly, “You want to watch show?"

I was getting used to saying "No!" with a disinterested look on my face. Most guys would not push further after hearing the denial.

Our man was perseverant. "You want lady?" he quipped, unabashed.

"No!" I didn't even look at him. "

You want small boy?"

"What the fuck!" I wanted to shout out. The words, however, died somewhere in my throat. I raised my eyes to have a look at him. He didn't seem affected at all. It was his business, his bread-earner, selling kids to tourists who had a taste for them!

I felt queasy. I wanted to run away as soon as possible. My group caught up with me by then and I beat a hasty retreat. The man's words still rang in my mind. "What the fuck! What the fuck!" I kept telling myself all night.

The clothes in Thailand are really cheap and the tailors are all Indian. While I didn't shop for much I did manage to buy myself an iPod mini which is a dream machine! Somebody asked me why I would need an iPod when I have a laptop with all my music in it. I replied, "The reason for buying an iPod is like being in love. You cannot rationalize it; the experience is what matters!”

After a week of business in Bangkok, we headed to the beach resort of Koh Samui. Now when you typically ask people which are the nice beaches in Thailand, Phuket and Pattaya are two names that get highest top-of-the-mind recall (Note to self: do not spoil your language with crappy management jargon). Somehow, not many people know of this island in Southern Thailand called Samui. We were strongly advised by friends to go there instead of Phuket.

As we arrived at the Samui airport on Friday night, we saw the cutest airport in the whole wide world. But this was merely the beginning. Over the next two days, I saw the most breathtaking beaches in my whole life. I will post a few pictures to tell you what I mean. However, no pictures or words can describe the adventure of a two hour speed boat ride that we undertook from Samui to a neighboring island. Negotiating the menacing waves of the ocean was no mean task and no matter how much the guide would reassure us, I still felt pukish and scared. But underneath the fear was the exquisite pleasure of being surrounded by the ocean in all directions till as far as the eye can see. Oh! It was majestic…

Samui and its neighboring bunch of islands have the whitest sand and the bluest sea and which is better, not a lot of tourists visiting to maintain the pristine ambience of the islands. We did a lot of snorkeling and despite the tan that it gave me; I would strongly recommend the islands to anyone who wants to go on a vacation to South Asia.

It was raining when we left the Samui airport to return to Bangkok for our flight back home. Seeing the greenery around the airport washed greener by the rain, I sent a curse heavenwards. God works in ironical ways (yeah, I know you have heard this before). Here I was on this beautiful island, a masterful creation of His and tomorrow morning, I would be in a 10 X 10 cabin staring stupidly at my laptop and the crow perched perpetually outside my window! What a life!